Inconsistency

We inconsitently cried out for consistency~

I think I'm just going to accept the fact that I cannot regularly blog, and can only blog when I have thoughts about important things. Facebook is for the unimportant, this blog for the important. And here are my important thoughts of the day and of just lately in general, because none of my thoughts occur randomly. They're a clear series that build on one another. Except maybe the title of this blog. That could very well be completely random.

So, this morning, I had in a worship CD, and the song, "Everything is Beautiful" came on. I haven't wrestled with the words of this song like I have, "Praise You in the Storm," by Casting Crowns. But the point of both is very similar. When we're in our dark places, God is still there, God is still good, and God is still loving.

These have not been easy things for me to learn. By any means. I spent a year of my life believing that God didn't love me. Not that I didn't think God was loving, I just arrogantly proclaimed myself a special case. People could testify of God's great love in their life and I would think, "Well, that's great for you, but it's not my life, doesn't mean anything to me, because God still doesn't love me."

This is an incredibly foolish way to think, I see now, but it was how I really felt at the time. So things like praising God in the midst of trouble, or finding comfort in God when I hurt were very foreign to me.

That was a year ago.

I've learned better now. Painfully, I've learned better. My year of bitterness was healed by a single moment of divine intervention. Well, God slowly softened my heart with the gospels, slowly, and then there was a single moment of epiphany where I heard his voice clearly say, "I've never stopped telling you I love you." And I felt a large rush of love within me, a movement in my very soul I'd never known before, and I knew that God loved me.

That, however, is just the background. The real story is a year after that healing.

I've been up and down in my life, been through hard times and high times. I've never felt unloved, though, no matter how upset I've been at God. So, while I still struggle and wrestle with praising God in the midst of a raging storm, I'm beginning to see how everything is beautiful, even when the tears are falling.

Sometimes, I just miss her. It happens. I just get hit, like the wind's been knocked out of me, and I want to stop whatever I'm doing, sit down, and just cry for a few minutes. But I can't always do that. I can't sit down in the middle of the mall when I'm out with my friends, and we've been having a good time, and just start crying. I have to keep walking, keep laughing, and move on to the next store.

But sometimes, sometimes I can just stop. I spent the other night in the Rose of Sharon chapel. It was just after dinner, and I got hit with that loneliness again. I didn't want to go and face my roommate with this feeling inside me, so instead I walked into the chapel. It was empty, which was good for me, and I just broke down crying, but instead of just feeling sad and missing her, I decided to pour my heart out to God. And in the end, I felt a lot better.

Giving my burdens to God is something I flat out suck at. I'm the sort who takes everything on myself. It's just my personality. So when I cry because I miss her, because I'll never see her again, I'm learning how to pour that out to God, and how to receive comfort in God. God won't reach down and fix my situation. He won't ressurrect her. At least, I'm pretty sure, 6 months after she's dead, she's not coming back. So, I'm learning what it means to seek God in hurt, to find comfort in someone who I know has the power to fix my situation, but won't because of His better judgement. It's not easy.

So, while I'm still learning what it means to praise God in the storm, I'm beginning to understand beauty in the broken. I'm beginning to see that God is still God, still just and loving and merciful and trustworthy even when I hurt. I'm beginning to see him as a comforter and someone I can turn to as a Father. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there.

Letters

Last night I wrote you a letter, wondering if you'd ever even read it. When I fell asleep with the pen in hand, ink smeared across my cheek, I dreamed that I handed you the letter in person. I dreamed you handed me one back. We laughed at how we had written each other a letter the same night. Then I woke up. I wiped the ink off my face. I slipped the paper into the envelope and addressed it. I don't want to wait anxiously for a reply. I don't expect a reply. And somehow, even though I haven't even stamped the letter, I hope desperately something's waiting for me in my mailbox.

[//sorry for no posts. I'm... a horrible person. and a busy college student. and work's been a PAIN. i'd rant about my manager but that's not very professional of me. And I love her. She's just been totally NOT on top of things this week. blah.]

Just a bit of what I did today~

SO because you are all so desperately interested in my life, I'm going to post little bits of unimportant things in relation to what I did today.

Today I went through my cosplay photos and organized them by convention and series. Hopefully this will make things easier to find. My only concern is I'll be like, "Oh, yeah, remember those kingdom hearts pictures we took?" and I'll look in the kingdom hearts folder and freak out that they're not there anymore, because they were taken at a con, so I moved them to the con folder. Maybe I should make a different folder for photoshoots? hmm... I don't know.

I also realized I've been to so many Anime los Angeleses that i can't keep them straight haha. It took me a while to figure out that that I've been to 4 so far. and then I spent a long time trying to remember what I cosplayed when. I know I cosplayed as Sango and Hikaru my first ALA. Not so sure about any of the others... Except the most recent, 'cause it was like, 3 weeks ago haha.

I guess I did Sakura at the 2 in the middle? because there are pictures lol That's all I know.

So, yeah. That was the last like, 30 minutes of my day. I spent the rest of the day cleaning the house. Someone flipped my Quinn switch and I was like, "OMG this kitchen is a disaster how can I cook in it???" and then I carried that through most of the house thinking, "How am I supposed to entertain today with the house like this???" and did a bunch of cleaning. Not a much as I could have or wanted to, and now I'm afraid to have a friend over tonight, because the house is not clean ._.;; But my room is, and that's a real feat! hahaha
[its only clean 'cause it's all in boxes DX]

Mmk, time to go help make dinner, and then I'm probably going to talk to my grandma for a bit. It's her birthday so my mom is going to skype her. I will probably talk to her for a bit. She's like, the source of my artistic creativity. She taught me to sew and paint and draw when I was little. She still gives me advice on sewing when i show her my costumes. I love her =3

OMG thinking~

So, since today I am not sewing, I'm sitting at my computer having thoughts. I thought I would write them down.

I didn't come to Biola to get a stellar education. I didn't come to Biola to get an excellent job after I graduated. I didn't come for connections, I didn't come for references.

I came to Biola, I came to Torrey, because I was lacking something that I knew I could find in that campus. I was lacking a relationship with my Savior and Redeemer. He wasn't my Friend, and I knew that I was incomplete if I didn't have that. I had truth, but I didn't have love. Well, I found that love. I found God all over again at school. It was wonderful. It's been one of the better years of my life. A hard year, but better than other years. And now, I am still at Biola for the same reason. I want to deepen that relationship. I want to pursue the plan God has for my life.

I don't want to be a quitter. I don't want to be the person who does things halfway, but I didn't come to Torrey for what Torrey is giving me. I didn't come to read books and write papers. I came to build relationships. I came to unite my soul, in all of its desire, passions, and thoughts. While I might not have used that exact phrasing before I arrived, it doesn't change the truth of the statement. I came to Torrey because I saw unity. I am still in Torrey because I built outstanding relationships, because I was told that Torrey would make me a better person, and because I trusted the leaders of Torrey to educate my whole self, not just my mind.

And now, I have been sorely disappointed these last few months.

I had a rough time emotionally towards the end of September. I sought help from people within the program and felt like I was grasping at air, or at a hand that was too far out of reach, that had been extended in word but not in deed. I felt, the more the semester went on, this crushing weight of isolation between the students and the faculty. I felt, the more I talked with my peers, that I wasn't the only one experiencing the feeling of a fish, flopping on land, without water.

I understand that to be pushed, to be driven, to be forced to do something I don't want to do can be good for me. I understand that it is good for me to write a paper about a topic I don't already understand in order toget a better grasp on it. I understand that making me discuss heavy theology even when it gives me a headache and challenges my faith is good for me. What I do not understand is how, when all I wanted was someone older and wiser to say, "It's okay. We can work through this together," I could not find it. I didn't want a counselor. I didn't want a shoulder to cry on. All I wanted was grace. I received a cold, logical, and distant response.

I didn't come to Torrey simply to learn logic or facts. I didn't come to be an academic know-it-all. I came because I wanted unity. I was tired of being looked at simply as a smart student in a desk. I was tired of being taught only academics and having to learn the rest on my own. I wanted to be seen as a human being, whose head, heart, and hands are all intertwined to a point where they're often hard to separate. I thought Torrey was about untangling the knots and straightening out the rope, but keeping it in a single braid. I didn't realize I was going to have my head and heart ripped apart, and be forced to sit in a classroom, forced to separate my head and heart, forced to shut down emotionally so I could talk about things, "logically."

Am I speaking out of hurt and anger? Probably. Is what I'm speaking true to how I'm feeling? Yeah, definitely.

This is not an impulse response to a one-time action. This is the result of a month and more of mulling over the hurt I experienced throughout the semester, of thinking over everything that's happened, and of talking with my peers. I've compared my expectations with what's actually happening. I've compared what I should have realistically expected with what actually happened, and I feel like I can't get what I want from Torrey. I feel like I won't be able to grow the way I want to if my heart is stunted every time I try and open it. I feel like if I can't explore the relationship between my head and heart, then I won't become the adult I want to be.

But I don't know. These are just my thoughts that I've been turning over and over for the last few weeks. I won't make any final decisions for another few months.

01-24-11

So I kind of cheated yesterday. Since I posted about the concert at like, 1am, it got posted on the 23rd. So I didn't really bother to post yesterday. I know, I'm horrible at this whole self-motivation thing.

Part of it is that I legitmately have little to say, as of late. I've been holed up in my room sewing a costume or playing video games. While that sounds like the activities of a nerd who has no life [however, I won't deny that I am a nerd, or that I have no life], I'm actually hoping to profit off of these things.

Since I regularly attend conventions, and I enjoy dressing up [mostly out of a desire to be the center of attention rather than extreme nerdiness], I thought it was high time I stopped putting money into the convention scene and started getting money out of it. So I'm working right now on the most complicated costumes I can find so that I will have a good-looking resume when people are looking to purchase costumes.

Where does playing video games come into all this?

Well, since the costume I'm making is from a video game, I should play that video game for inspiration, right?

Really, I just get frustrated with my sewing machine, so I storm off and play games until I calm down haha.

So, because sewing takes so much concentration, as do video games, I have not had time to think, and therefore have had little to say. So, for today, I hope this suffices.

Tobymac Concert

Um, wow what a day.

So, I've been relatively ill these last couple days and in an irritable mood. Because of it, I've been unable to sleep very well, and can't get to bed until 3 or 4.

So when at 11am, my parents bang on my door, I'm not in a very good mood. I snapped grumpily at them, "What?"

And they said, "Do you want VIP tickets for you and a friend to see Tobymac in concert and do a meet and greet?"

Holy freaking crap one of the best nights of my LIFE

Apparently my mom's friend had these tickets he couldn't use, so I ended up with them. A friend of mine went down to Hollywood and we got to see an old band I hadn't listened to since high school, which was nice. I really liked them and bought their album. And their lead singer looked exactly like the lead singer of the band in one of my books. It was weird.

But, neither me nor my friend had listened to the guy we were going to see since we were like kids. (He's really old, if you've never heard of him). So we only knew a couple of his songs, and they were old ones, so we didn't expect him to play any we knew, much less our old favorite song by him.

Towards the end of his show, he came out into the audience, with his guitarist, and performed right next to us! We were so freaking close to him! And, while he's standing right their, he sang out favorite song!!! It was crazy awesome. We had so much fun. We even got lost in LA a little bit haha. Basically, it was a great spontaneous night. Super crazy.

Young Justice Review

So, since I have no idea what to write about in this blog, I guess I'll do a review of Young Justice every Friday, at least until I figure out what I want to use this blog for. I'll try to update daily in-between, too, but at least I've got Fridays figured out.


Since, so far, everyone I've talked to about Young Justice has said, "Except it's supposed to be Tim Drake." I'll start by saying now that I am setting the comic book canon aside while reviewing this show. There are several deviations and several modifications as always from comic to cartoon, so I will not review this show by comparng it to the comic book. That would be a waste of time. I will review it solely as its own cartoon.



So, I'll run through what I think of the show so far as a whole, and then briefly review the third episode, rather than review the premiere and today's episode in one blog.

I'm in love with the art of this show, its simplicity and detail, and I'm a big fan of the voice over cast as well as the writing staff. I did some digging, and there are names I know from others shows I have watched and loved involved in the production of this one. That gives me high hopes, and some sort of nostalgic affection for this show, even though it's new.

The personalities of each character on Young Justice so far appear to be well-developed.

Wally West is filling the role of a quick-footed, slow-witted Kid Flash. I hope to see development of this character and perhaps some tension between being a child and being a hero.

Dick Grayson is a much more jokester version of Robin than I've seen before. I love the design for his costume, and I'm excited to see Jesse McCartney do a role with such history to it. I've been a fan of his voice acting career since he started work on video games, and I like the twist he and the writers have put on the personality of Robin. He's a child, young, with a signature laugh as he goes into battle, and yet he has the "work alone" personality akin to that of Batman. He clearly doesn't know how to operate on a team, often being the first one to jump into a fight without consulting his teammates.

Aqualad is also an interesting personality. I like the way he has been reinvented to make him a more versatile fighter. He's not bound entirely bound to a water source like previous Aqualads. He's being written as the most mature of the characters. If the team has a leader, it would be him. His aloofness and nearly adult-like attitude makes it hard to gauge what his personality is, however. I look forward to seeing more development with him, and hopefully some more peer-like interaction between him and the rest of the team, rather than what they have now.

Superboy's personality is interesting. Between him and Miss Martian, there are lots of awkward social interactions, because the two don't know how to properly communicate with humans yet. It's frequent for Teen-super hero cartoons to use aliens as plot devices for helping teenage watchers to understand that it's okay to have socially awkward situations and to learn and grow from them. For Young Justice to use two I initially saw as overkill, but the personalities of Miss Martian and Superboy differ so drastically that it so far is working well. Miss Martian just wants to fit in and is trying so hard to make friends with the guys, while Superboy doesn't seem to want anything of the sort, yet struggles with it as well. He expresses this struggle with more anger and frustration while Miss Marian expresses it in a more quiet, sullen way. The two extreme reactions present two sides of how many teenagers think and feel. After only one episode of seeing the whole team operate together, I see a lot of potential and I hope to see it develop more as the show goes on.

And, finally, Speedy, the last character to really talk about. He has been a favorite of mine for years, so I was excited to see him introduced as a headstrong young man with potential leadership skills, however I was disappointed after the premiere tha the was not brought back. They did not drop him completely, which I am grateful for, and gave him a few minutes of episode three to make the point that he is now a vigilante hero operating alone and he will not be joining the Young Justice. If they leave him at that, I will again be disappointed. I look forward to seeing how the incorporate him as the show goes on. I don't expect him to be in every episode (though I wish he was a more key character, I will set my own preferences aside), I do expect them to not leave his character hanging. They have proven that they know how to bring characters in and out for slow development by opening up his personlity in the beginning of the show, and continuing to use it in the third episode.

The third epiosde has eased some doubts I had about the show after the pemiere. By this episode, it was clear that these 5 teenagers are still learning to function as a team and failing miserably at it. The characters are staying true to the personalities that were put together in episode one. Miss Martian and Aqualad are trying desperately to be a functional team, but none of the characters know how to operate as a unit, or at least they are still learning.

I was also worried about what it would be like to have a Justice League overseer for the team, but the third episode proved that Red Tornado is not planning on babysitting the team and that they are operating on their own for the most part.

I was also glad to see they did not introduce Artemis without first making it clear that Speedy would not join Young Justice. I look forward to seeing what she does to the dynamics of the team, as well as how the team develops from this awkward collection of teenage superheroes who are clearly more teeange than superheroes into a functional team.

I'm thinking...

I think I need to post a blog entry every day again.

it's hard.

I don't always know what to write.

But maybe forcing myself is what I need. That last kick to get my writing back into gear.

Sounds like a plan.

I'll start next week.

Not because I'm being lazy, honest! Just because I'm going out of town tomorrow.

So, starting next week. I will blog every day.

*crosses fingers for success*