OMG thinking~

So, since today I am not sewing, I'm sitting at my computer having thoughts. I thought I would write them down.

I didn't come to Biola to get a stellar education. I didn't come to Biola to get an excellent job after I graduated. I didn't come for connections, I didn't come for references.

I came to Biola, I came to Torrey, because I was lacking something that I knew I could find in that campus. I was lacking a relationship with my Savior and Redeemer. He wasn't my Friend, and I knew that I was incomplete if I didn't have that. I had truth, but I didn't have love. Well, I found that love. I found God all over again at school. It was wonderful. It's been one of the better years of my life. A hard year, but better than other years. And now, I am still at Biola for the same reason. I want to deepen that relationship. I want to pursue the plan God has for my life.

I don't want to be a quitter. I don't want to be the person who does things halfway, but I didn't come to Torrey for what Torrey is giving me. I didn't come to read books and write papers. I came to build relationships. I came to unite my soul, in all of its desire, passions, and thoughts. While I might not have used that exact phrasing before I arrived, it doesn't change the truth of the statement. I came to Torrey because I saw unity. I am still in Torrey because I built outstanding relationships, because I was told that Torrey would make me a better person, and because I trusted the leaders of Torrey to educate my whole self, not just my mind.

And now, I have been sorely disappointed these last few months.

I had a rough time emotionally towards the end of September. I sought help from people within the program and felt like I was grasping at air, or at a hand that was too far out of reach, that had been extended in word but not in deed. I felt, the more the semester went on, this crushing weight of isolation between the students and the faculty. I felt, the more I talked with my peers, that I wasn't the only one experiencing the feeling of a fish, flopping on land, without water.

I understand that to be pushed, to be driven, to be forced to do something I don't want to do can be good for me. I understand that it is good for me to write a paper about a topic I don't already understand in order toget a better grasp on it. I understand that making me discuss heavy theology even when it gives me a headache and challenges my faith is good for me. What I do not understand is how, when all I wanted was someone older and wiser to say, "It's okay. We can work through this together," I could not find it. I didn't want a counselor. I didn't want a shoulder to cry on. All I wanted was grace. I received a cold, logical, and distant response.

I didn't come to Torrey simply to learn logic or facts. I didn't come to be an academic know-it-all. I came because I wanted unity. I was tired of being looked at simply as a smart student in a desk. I was tired of being taught only academics and having to learn the rest on my own. I wanted to be seen as a human being, whose head, heart, and hands are all intertwined to a point where they're often hard to separate. I thought Torrey was about untangling the knots and straightening out the rope, but keeping it in a single braid. I didn't realize I was going to have my head and heart ripped apart, and be forced to sit in a classroom, forced to separate my head and heart, forced to shut down emotionally so I could talk about things, "logically."

Am I speaking out of hurt and anger? Probably. Is what I'm speaking true to how I'm feeling? Yeah, definitely.

This is not an impulse response to a one-time action. This is the result of a month and more of mulling over the hurt I experienced throughout the semester, of thinking over everything that's happened, and of talking with my peers. I've compared my expectations with what's actually happening. I've compared what I should have realistically expected with what actually happened, and I feel like I can't get what I want from Torrey. I feel like I won't be able to grow the way I want to if my heart is stunted every time I try and open it. I feel like if I can't explore the relationship between my head and heart, then I won't become the adult I want to be.

But I don't know. These are just my thoughts that I've been turning over and over for the last few weeks. I won't make any final decisions for another few months.